Letter to myself

Hi ...........,
It's just coming up to quarter past one in the morning and I'm currently laid in bed in my empty flat. I probably should try to be going to sleep but for some reason I just have the urge to write. If I'm being honest, I actually just want to talk.
Whether its because its the middle of the night, or because the flats empty and quiet or because of any number of things, but I'm feeling....well I'm not sure what I'd call it really, not sad, not particularly unhappy, just feeling down. If I'm again being honest, I've felt like this for quite a while.
I haven't had much drive to do much these last few months and because of that I feel I've become quite isolated. I've not been making much of an effort to see people or contact them as much anymore and I don't know why. A lot of my time now is spent in my flat, either reading, catching up on movies and t.v series or doing work for university and I've become fine with that. I enjoy my company, I always have, and up until about 5ish years ago I used to spend a lot of time in my room back home too, keeping to myself, until I started coming out of my shell more.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this, I really am just writing whatever is coming into my head.
I don't like times like these. I have quite an active mind and if not preoccupied with work or reading, etc, then I always seem to find myself slipping back to trains of thoughts such as what happened between my parents. I've still not really addressed how I feel about that situation, I've just gotten into the habit of pushing it to one side.
Now and again I'll have these short periods where I do get angry at my dad, or confused, and I'll just turn back to reading to distract myself and so far that's worked for me, but every now and again, I do need to talk and I've turned to these blogs as my outlet.
I've never been much of a person to say how they are feeling, I don't even know if I've many people in my life now that would sit there and listen to me speak these things and not be weirded out if I did want to talk. These blogs so far have helped me out loads, however I feel as though at some point I'm going to have to actually say something, otherwise I'll crack. Trust me when I say that I've expressed myself more in these blogs then I have ever to any of my family or friends.
As well as not being much of a person to express themselves, I also feel that by keeping things in, I've been helping my mum, to show her that things are okay, and I know as I'm writing this she'd say I'm being stupid and I should tell her how I feel crappy and drained and just so tired, but honestly if I had then I don't think we'd be where we are all now.
I definitely don't mean this in a bad way at all against my mum, she never asked me to be there for her, or to help out as much, we were all thrown into these positions and this is just how things have played out.
Things have just changed so much these last few years and I honestly feel as though I've just hidden away from it all. I used to have an idea of how I'd be in the future, what kind of person I'd be, but that's not as clear anymore.
As I've slowly been getting more tired whilst writing this, I think I may have divulged a bit too much and gone off course some what. This is after all going on to the internet and I'm sure any passers by won't want to read all this rubbish.
Just...try to not let things change you, and remember things will be alright.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device